Distraught

I lie here on the bed, staring off at nothing. The minutes I spend like this quickly turn into hours. The music in the background repeats itself, but I barely notice the notes playing or the words the woman is singing. My eyes are glazed over from the lack of focus the brain behind them has. The synapses within are firing, but there is a lack of cohesion between the ideas sent along one after the other.


The words you had said resound in my mind as I replay every scene we were together in. The memories come and go quickly as I try to understand where things had gone wrong. I try to understand what it was I did to kill your love for me.


We used to be happy together, where it felt that the only thing we needed to survive was each other. Our time together had grown less and less, and the warmth in your arms chilled completely. Now we never talk, and this hole inside my chest grows ever bigger. The effects of this hole also expand, sapping me of my drive and desire to do anything.


You were the light of my life, the catalyst that brought a sunnier disposition to me, the one that let me know that I was capable of being loved. After changing me, you left me. I had grown dependent upon you emotionally, even when we were separated physically. I managed to keep myself together enough to not be a burden to you, as others have said I could be, as I tried to balance the dependency I had for you and the need to not smother you.


Did this balancing act fail? Was I in fact distancing myself so much from you that you grew cold because I had first? Did I show too much of my dependency on you and it drew you away? Could it have been that you needed me to need you, and the balancing made you think I did not have need of you? Were you getting tired of having me around, even the sparse amount of time our paths were able to cross?


All I do know for sure is that I miss you. I miss the warmth of your body in my arms, the sight of your smile, the sound of your laughter, your scent, and the taste of your lips. I also know the truth: that when you said how things couldn't work out in the end, I lied that I accepted it. I still haven't. I can't stop thinking of you. I can't give up all hopes that things can work out. I said I accepted it because it would be easier for you. Despite my selfish desire to be with you, I want you happy. I want to be the person that can make you happy, but I can't force you to be happy with me. Even if I'm damning myself by losing you forever, I still love you too much to want you to be anything but happy.


This leaves me at an impasse. You've made your opinion quite clear. The path you've decided on has been decreed. I'm left at the wayside wondering what to do as you continue on with your life. I can't decide my own route, even though I know the road I have to go on is one that doesn't have you in it. Grief stricken, I lie on the bed as the hours turn late afternoon to morning. Time that you're now getting up to get ready for your day, and my own night has not occurred. I rub the tears from my eyes and turn everything off as I try to go to sleep. And in my sleep, I see that smile once again directed at me.